Just a Little Confession

Secrets. 
We all have secrets, right? What's the point? I mean, we're complaining about this fucked up society which is based on lies but, aren't lies a kind of secrets? 

Like when you lie to your boyfriend by telling him how wonderful he was during sex - except he wasn't that magnificent nor you were having that much fun. It is a lie, right, but it's also hiding a secret of yours, the fears you have about your relationship and how badly would affect it if only you spell it out. Just for once. 
Confidence barely existent. One of my biggest secrets-ish. Lies surround me everyday while I play the nice girl, the almost constant smile on my face, my craziness, my impossible laugh. All of these, lies. Lies and more lies hiding my secret. Or should I say secrets? I don't really know how to talk about it, it's so weird. Did you know when I laugh so crazily and my eyes get all watery... Did you know those tears aren't made of happiness? Did you ever wonder why I need to create happy moments during the day-light? I almost force it so badly that I'm afraid one day my world will collide, collapse against itself and this wall of lies I'm creating. 


Aren't lies powerful and deadly at the same time? 

The worst kind of secrets, the ones that make you feel a stranger when the sun goes down. 

Prove it. Show it. Leave me.

It wasn't your fault, but it wasn't his neither. So what do we do next, uh? This feeling of being a complete failure with no reason, just because. It sucks, doesn't it? 

"Sometimes love just dies, and that's it". This is so true, so relevant, so, so, so empty. Your mind, my mind, needs proofs to stop caring about someone, not because you both stopped loving each other does it mean your mind erases everything. I wish! 

I'm just so tired, so so tired of being a teenager (my last chance though) with so many feelings and so little space to fit in. 

You know that time when you thought "He was the love of my life, we had just bad timing". 

I really meant it. I swear I believed every single word. Love, Life, We, Bad, Timing. At least I felt better back in those days. Now it's like... Really? It was really nothing to you? It didn't mean a single thing to you?!

How ironic is life... You told me, months ago (years, lives ago) that you loved when I wrote about you on my blog. I didn't write that much about you in that time, my dear. Now that you're gone for good, my words seem to want to talk to you 24/7. 

You had it and you know it. You had so much power. You could have loved me instead of putting me behind you pretending you didn't notice. You were the one. 

Random, Repetitive thought.

En fin, sé que tengo que asimilar de una vez por todas que aquellos que se fueron por su propia voluntad son aquellos a los que no debo echar de menos. 
A los otros, en cambio, sólo os dejo las palabras que nunca me cansaré de repetir:
"I'll be doing my best and I'll see you soon".

Angry nights. Then: You fuck off, I disappear.

Ardientes deseos de partirte la cara, eso es lo que siento ahora mismo. ¿Me puede acusar alguien de no poder pasar página? Espero que al menos tú ni lo pienses, ya que es tu culpa y de nadie más. Me importa bien poco si te ha surgido algo, si estás ocupado, si, para tu bien, hay alguien nuevo en tu vida. Me importa una mierda. ¿Dónde narices está mi amigo? ¿Es que acaso estuviste fingiendo estos años? No, es que no me cabe en la cabeza que tantos buenos momentos se hayan esfumado y que lo que ahora sienta al pensar en ti sean sólo náuseas, dolor y asco. ¿Merezco esto? Pues oye, siendo sincera, ¡No! Se nos fue de las manos lo que entendía que era amistad, pero créeme cuando te digo que yo veía factible volver a los inicios. Era posible. Tú, simplemente, lo echaste a perder. All over again babe. 


El caso es que, más que echarte de menos, echo de menos las explicaciones que me debes.
Eso es todo. Después, te enterraré en lo más profundo, lo prometo. Nunca más volverás a saber de mí, lo prometo. ¿Suena duro? ¿Feo? Tuya es la jugada, yo sólo te imito, amigo. 


Es curioso como una vez yo me ofrecí a desaparecer de tu vida para evitarnos futuros dolores; tú te negaste, me pediste que me quedase y yo seguí dudando. ¿Sabes lo irónico del asunto? En el fondo de mi ser, nunca habría sido capaz de abandonarte. Jamás. Tú, en cambio, te callaste, estuviste ahí en las buenas y ahora, que supongo que han llegado las malas, has tomado la decisión de tirar todo por la borda, abandonándome como me hiciste jurarte que yo nunca haría. 
Dolerá y dolerá durante días, meses y noches en vela, lo sé, pero tendré el orgullo de decir que hice lo correcto. What about you, babe?